“Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.”

Upon reflection it’s quite interesting, how I’ve learnt to psychoanalyse people however i often miss things when it’s a situation when your emotions are made a part of it, 

On a night out recently, it hit me… i don’t actually like being here, i don’t like drinking, these people aren’t really my friends and it just isn’t me.

 It was only when those thoughts were processing through my head that it hit me, all these people in these clubs are in here; not because they enjoy their ears ringing for hours on end afterwards or the dirty hangover the next morning; but they feel it’s a right of ‘passage’ in terms of ‘being young’. 

I’m just as guilty, however i went as a) i love loud music and b) i couldn’t remember what it feels like (and i just enjoy the general getting ready part)!

 I’m not saying it is wrong to want to go out all the time, but i would ‘guestimate’ that 80% of the people that spend every weekend in a nightclub in the same town, with the same people and music must have something missing in their life to feel the need to see and do the same things like ritual every week, perhaps it’s stability.

I’m making a massive change in my life, my first step in terms of moving out, leaving my family, leaving everyone that i have known for 3-4 years where I’ve gone to college (and now work). However interestingly it’s not really people that i am going to miss, it’s about how certain aspects of my life i also feel stable. 

For me being stable means, that i have a set out routine, know what i like and don’t like, doing something little each day that is considered a ‘treat’ (usually food! or watching a TV show I’ve recorded) as i feel that, if you don’t give yourself small rewards every now and then that it can either end up in one of two outcomes you either become worked into a psychological state so low you start repressing social skills or you over award when you’ve worked a long period than normal without ‘treating’ yourself to something you enjoy. 

Nothing in my life has really rooted me to this country where I’m native from or even the language i speak, I’ve always felt that who i am physically as a person doesn’t match the person in my head. I’ve  never been one to follow fashion, be told what to wear or who to talk to, I’ve never wanted to be subjected to the ‘social norms’ and live a normal life. Probably why i speak other languages and am so desperate to find myself, as this countries and western European society does nothing but repress your character, so you never truly get the chance to find yourself, people claim to find themselves but i am a strong believer, that if you roots are sown then you will most likely come to find yourself eventually, if not having a better understanding of knowing who you are. But with the pressures of 21st century media is making it evermore challenging to be able to grasp opportunities by which you could find yourself.

 I’d be lying if i was to say to you i know who i am, i don’t however i know what i like and don’t like and i love learning, these are probably the only two things i do know about myself. 

 I’ve learnt at the young age of 20 that people aren’t all up what they’re cracked to be, people are let downs, usually have their own agenda and are looking at what they can get out of you. I kind of hate that trait in people in that i personally don’t treat people as so, i genuinely keep myself to myself; however in hindsight i have some good people around me now, and are actively supporting me in my transition to uni.